You and Your Partner

You and your partner are individuals, and each of you will cope differently with the stress that accompanies your child's diagnosis, treatment, and life after cancer. The strain of a life-threatening illness, spending time apart, struggling to pay bills, and creating some sense of normalcy for the other members of your family can be overwhelming for a couple and can wreak havoc on your relationship.

During treatment, you may realize that you and your spouse have different responsibilities. One of you may become the primary caregiver to your sick child, while the other continues to work, take care of other children, and maintain the home. Perhaps you create a system for equally dividing care-giving. Either way, you and your partner may have trouble communicating your thoughts, feelings, concerns and needs. Embrace your differences and your strengths. Know your weaknesses. Work together to get through this difficult time. Deborah Raiess-Dana, author of "Dust to Diamonds," offers that "one of the best and most loving things you can do for your spouse, and your marriage, is to give each other the freedom to work through the pain and deal with the situation as needed, without judging the behavior." (Dust to Diamonds, 2004).

Sexual intimacy can also be difficult for a couple during this time:

"One (partner) may desire the comfort and closeness of an intimate relationship, and the physical release may relieve some of the stress. The other may wonder how anyone could think about sex at a time like this. Physical exhaustion also diminishes the sexual drive, and circumstances may limit your private time. Emotions are raw and you may even find yourself bursting into tears while making love. Please be gentle with each other. Communication is of utmost importance." (Raiess-Dana, D., 2004, pages 6 - 7).

After your child's treatment ends and follow-up care continues, you and your partner may be unable to return to your old sense of normal. Childhood cancer changes people. Don't let it define you, but recognize how it has changed you and integrate it into your new life as a couple and as the parents of a childhood cancer survivor.

The following excerpt is taken from "Amanda's Gift," a book by her father, Scott MacLellan:

"There is no time for intimacy and no peace with which to want it. Our identities soon become intertwined with activities aimed at survival, not growth. I am no longer husband, I am provider of health insurance and weekend caregiver. I am no longer friend and lover, I am father and mother to 'the healthy child' who still lives at home. We all become something other than what we imagined.

"Amanda's illness became our life. All our activities already centered around her care, but we also allowed it to define who we were as people. It became our only common bond. It became the thing for which we stood. We became "the couple with the sick little girl." People would marvel at our ability to stay together in spite of the illness. In fact, the illness was the only thing keeping us together at all!

"Our toughest time came when Amanda entered a relatively healthy phase and things returned to a somewhat normal life. It was then our common bond broke and we had to face each other as individuals and as a couple. It was then we had the time to consider our own personal egos. It was then we felt the deepest void between us."

"For Deborah (my wife) and me, the key was to integrate Amanda's illness into the rest of our lives. We started looking at Amanda's illness as a part of our lives, not our life itself. In short, we began to take back control of our lives."

As you and your partner take back control of your lives, make time for yourselves as a couple.

• Watch a movie.
• Go out to dinner.
• Hold hands.
• Play a game.
• Pray together, if you are religious.
• Go out with friends.
• Talk. Share your thoughts.
• Laugh together.
• Forgive each other, if needed.
• Enjoy your family.